I'm totally warn out as I'm always on the edge at the residential home. When I got home I fell asleep within a few hours. I need a normal life as this ones wearing me out mentally physically. I know that if I got out the situation I'm in they'd have no reason to keep me there as I'd be normal. Ever since I got chucked into Brookdale I've developed mental problems. When I went to the hospital I acted and looked normal. I only had the problem that got me done for harassment. I'd never self harmed. I'd never kicked off. Then because I felt so unfairly treated I couldn't take it. Now I'm stuck with mental health problems as well as Aspergers Syndrome because of my experiences.This has become my destiny whether I like it or not. It's too late for me to go back to my former self. I'm stuck here now. This is going to be the rest of eternity for me. I'll never have the life I wanted. The whole of my life is just a big pile of shit. I might as well give up and accept what I'm never going to have. I really don't see Aspergers Syndrome as a positive thing for me. Anyone could have set up this website. I wish I hadn't have been so unlucky. Maybe they got it wrong. Maybe I wasn't AS. I really don't want to be. I feel so alone. I know that I'm not but in my darkest hours thats how I feel.
I have been told that people have been ringing my residential home. That isn’t on ok. I wouldn’t do it to any of you so don’t do it to me. It’s not fair on me ok. I work my butt off to please people. I don’t always do that, but people act like I don’t try. It has been so hard for me the past few years, especially last year. The police cells, the hospital etc really got to me. I didn’t stop running the website did I? Through it all I gave my support to all the people who needed it. I didn’t care that I was going through so much shit myself. Ringing my residential home isn’t a great thing to do for me. I have been doing really well. If you really want some gossip then I tried coming off my medication and it didn’t work. It made me go weird and I felt like I had ADHD; it made me suicidal before I decided I couldn’t do it anymore as I got scared. You know that I’m a very brave person but the withdrawal symptoms was too much to take.
I don’t want people getting involved in my life. My life is totally separate to A.S.S.G.O. I’d like to have the privacy that everyone deserves. I don’t want to have to worry about members of the public telling my residential home that they’re worried about me. You just don’t get involved with other peoples lives like that, it’s not on. I don’t even do that because I know that it’s wrong. You may think that you’re helping but at the end of the day you’re not helping me get out of the home. Everyone has a bad day and sometimes it shows when I write a blog entry. I can’t be perfect. No body can. I can’t be happy all the time because of where I live. Don’t expect me to be as I’m not happy where I live. Some of you have known me since I started this website. Then you should know that when I was happy it was obvious. That was a long time ago now. That really doesn’t matter now as it’s over. Getting involved in other peoples business isn’t a good thing to do. A few years back someone sent the police to my house at 2am in the morning as I said that I was going to kill myself. Things like that I hope will never happen again. I appreciate that others value my life but you just don’t do things like that. I’ve also had some guy get obsessed with me, he tracked down my address and telephone number. And the address of every college and placement I’ve been too. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s tracked down where I’m living now. If I ever came face to face with him it’d totally freak me out.
To be totally honest, I’m thinking of shutting the website down. Ever since I started this website my life hasn’t be my own. It’s like everyone wants to be involved in my life and I’m not prepared to put up with it any longer. I don’t like peoples interference in my business. By doing what people have been doing it’s giving the authorities more reason to send me back to hospital. I’m just sick of being in the public eye. I don’t want fame anymore I just want a quiet life. Every since I got diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome things have just gone from bad to worse. I hate having it. I know I’m stuck with it though. No cure however many medications I get put on. I just put on weight all the time. I don’t really need the medication but I can’t come off of it because of the withdrawal symptoms. I don’t like feeling like I have ADHD or suicidal. Even before the medication I wasn’t that bad. I only went on them because at the time I couldn’t cope with the hospital surroundings. I begged the doctor for something. It was my choice. Back then I’d have taken anything to escape from reality. I used to take PRN a lot, it dopes you up, lorazipan (can’t spell it). I had to so that I could cope with it all. Please if you care about me at all don’t get involved. If it comes to the point where I have to shut A.S.S.G.O down to stop people from getting involved in my personal life I will.
Yes I occasionally smoke now. Not that often though. I have cut down on drinking alcohol. What else do people want? I can’t eat half of my dinners at the moment. I’m just not hungry. Don’t start thinking I’m anorexic. I’m not exactly going to starve now am I with all the weight I have on me. A.S.S.G.O visitors are the last people I’m going to consult on what I chose to do with my life. The pure hard truth is that A.S.S.G.O is a job to me. When I’m not here or online then that’s my personal life. I never used to do that when I first started the website. As I’ve got more well known to a lot of people then I have to put a barrier up. What goes on in my life off of this website isn’t actually any of peoples business unless I happen to mention it on my blog. Even then no one should actually get involved. Since going through all that I have I’ve become a very private person. It’s the safest way to be. I’ll be nice and supportive to you on the website but unless you’re a friend of mine that’s as far as it goes. I know that it’s hard for people with AS to understand that, but it’s just the way it is. I’m sorry that I have to be this blunt with you all.
I don’t know why but I’m stronger than I have ever realised. I always manage to keep going. I know that I’m drinking quite a bit of alcohol at the moment. That I must stop mainly because I’m putting more weight on. 11 stone 9 pounds now. Put on a few pounds since I was last weighed less than a few weeks ago. I don’t want to be that size but I can’t help overindulging when it comes to alcohol. If anyone has the cheek to call me an alcoholic then I shall never write another blog entry ever again. You all are privileged to be let into my life like this. I’m only doing it to help others. Just to show others that they’re not the only one having a shitty day. Most of my life has been shitty. It’s hurt me so much in places. I don’t like where I am. Everything is so unknown and unpredictable. I’m trying to get a job for now. I’m also trying to get into college properly next year, full time. I’m looking at performing arts courses. Going to chase my dream, if it doesn’t stick sod it, find another path. I’d like it all to work out though as when I was little, I remember my aunt from Australia saying that I should be on the stage. I think it was her anyway. It was one of my many aunts. I don’t know it could have been the rich one. Really hope none of my aunts read this as now they know what I refer to them as. I’m trying to get a free bus pass too as I’m hoping to go to Bedford College.
I’ve looked through their course book and the courses suit me better. I was torn between media and performing arts. I’ve already tried media at Bath College while I was up in Somerset. I’ve never tried performing arts before. I tried joining a drama group thing but didn’t feel comfortable there to be honest. VAMPS just didn’t feel right to me. I might try a theatre group at the theatre in Bedford next. Sometimes it is worth going into the next town that’s a little bit bigger than the one you live in. As it sometimes is much better. When I get my own place I’d like it to be in Bedford. St Neots has a memory of one person who I saw the other night. There’s only a slight chance that I may meet her in a pub there. Although on one of their profiles they had photos of their night out in Bedford. Lets just hope they don’t decide to have another night out there. My teeth are still hurting! Need the dentist to look at them pretty soon. I hope they don’t need to be taken out. Having a filling was enough for me. See I think of the best ideas when I’m under the influence of alcohol. That and listening to Britney Spear’s album Black Out. I don’t care what people say about her she’s inspiring. My CD’s are going missing. I swear I’m not imagining it. My Akon CD has gone missing. That one has swearing on it and the girl across the corridor from me nicks things, I think she may have taken it but I can’t prove it. I can’t just accuse her either, it’s not right. If I get a job it’ll be a miracle but I still have my charity job. I have experience with people and the till. Luckily I haven’t made a mistake on the till. Actually I think I’m much better at it than I was before. Financially I’m absolutely and utterly broke. Yes I blew it down the pub, don’t want any lectures from commenter’s. I know that I’ve gone a little crazy with money but I’m fine as I am. I may have lost control at one point but I’m pretty damn sure I’m in control now. I’m not completely back to normal yet. But I’m getting there.
I’ve learnt that it is much more sensible to stay emotionally detached from things at all times. Life is much easier that way. My emotions have got me into trouble in the past. If I didn’t care for people in the first place I wouldn’t have got myself into this mess. I let people drag me in to things that get me into trouble. I don’t ever want to do that again as it ruins friendships. There’s got to be a certain space of secrecy between two people who are friends or it will never work. I don’t wish to know anyone’s dirty little secrets from their past with ex’s etc anymore.
